I Miss My .....

Smokes. Fags. Cigs.

I'm pleased to say that the blessing of 'motherhood' and pregnancy forced upon me the bonus benefit of clean air and a pair of smoke-free lungs. I am now smoke-free for almost 5 months, since I quit cold turkey on 1st Jan 2010, which was when I discovered I was preggers with Baby Boy. This is the longest ever since my pathetic quitting attempt over 2 years back, which barely lasted 2 months!

While I'm generally blissfully preoccupied with baby-thoughts and intoxicated with joys of becoming a new mum, there are still days where I miss my morning stick; standing at the back balcony with my steaming sweet coffee .... aahhhh... the little sinful pleasures of life.

The 2 things that never failed to make my day!

I was suddenly reminded of my past sinful indulgence when I stumbled upon these gorgeous images of Coco Chanel from the 2009 movie Coco avant Chanel. The most glamorous and most fashionable woman that ever lived chained smoked, what kind of motivation is that for the rest of us smokers who are trying to quit?

I know one thousand and one health freaks out there would like to dispute and refute me but I still hold to the image that a glamourous babe sporting red lips, a plunging neckline and a cigarette in her divinely manicured hand is one hell of an irresistible picture.


However, a new picture of me is a doting mum with her plump baby boy cradled in her arms (but let's maintain the lipstick, plunging neckline and manicured nails ya). So adieu Dunhill Lights, I love thee no more. At least for a while *wink*

The Worst Deal

I was sharing with my group of close girlfriends about my quitting smoking and naturally as expected, everyone was happy for me and all that. Then one of the girls started to 'story' us about her pact with her other half to get him to quit smoking. This girl, my friend, is a non-smoker and we know her other half is a smoker, drinker etc which are all quite the norm and acceptable but in her case she has never approved of it and has always tried very hard to get him to quit; both the drinking and the smoking.

So this is the deal they came up with ... he agreed to quit smoking on ONE condition. The condition is that she lose weight to his desired number. We were shocked and flabbergasted. I believe the common reaction here would be to thrash the guy but my friends being the sweet forgiving and accommodating soul that she is, did not get upset at him but rather she negotiated a different number with him. His preference was for her to lose 10kg, and as soon as she reached that weight, he will quit smoking and he will hold off the cigarettes as long as she maintains the weight. Anyhow, they manage to negotiate for her to lose somewhere roundabout 6 to 8 kgs from her current weight. Might I also add that she is not at all obese nor fat but just plump and heavier than her younger days, but she has a a pretty face and beautiful eyes that does not need makeup and mascara to look good, unless the rest of us sad mascara-addicts.

So we asked; "what if you're pregnant?" Well, they also had that figured out, the deal is that she loses the weight she gains during pregnancy within 2 months. Otherwise, he picks up smoking again.

Well, so there you have it, the worst deal. As an ex-smoker for many years, and I am pretty sure Mr Negotiator, who is a way older smoker than I, would agree that giving up smoking is not an easy task that you can quit as you wish. In fact, some would go as far to say that it would be easier to celibate than to quit smoking. You can never really quit unless you really want to.

We might ask Mr Negotiator, why resort to such extreme measures???

So the questions we should ask are:

1. Is he so selfish that he is using this negotiation to his own benefit because he suspect that she cannot lose weight anyway? So at the end of it all, he can turn around and shift the blame to her that it's her fault as she did not make an effort so therefore why should he.
2. On the other hand, perhaps he so badly want her to lose weight that he is willing to quit smoking for that. On the second theory, the benefit of the doubt is on his end because perhaps he wants her to be healthier or to return to the figure that she used to have when they first met.

Hmmm, either way both theories don't hold water for me. The fact that he came up with such a deal is a shocker. To begin with, Mr Negotiator does not exactly have a hot body or killer looks to begin with (pardon moi, just my opinion). I understand this dear friend would want to please her other half, as most of us want to please and satisfy our partners. Of course it's a pain to see our partners comment or ogle at other hot women such a movie stars, car models, our own girlfriends etc.

Anyhow, this friend of mine has walked the miles and whole nine yards for this dude. If I am in her shoes I would seriously expect more appreciation on the good things and less focus on the negative. Looks after all, will fade, for both him and her. Well, then again, indulge me to be so shallow to venture further and say that if this guy is a dream hunk of some sort and provides a luxurious and exceedingly comfortable life for his woman and always puts her first in all things and pampers her so that she has never a day to worry about anything in life, then yes, fine, fair enough, it's only a fair and minor reciprocal effort that she ensures that she looks the perfect picture of a woman. But the sorry fact is, from our observation, Mr Negotiator is far from being the perfect provider. (provider meaning the tangible and intangible) But having said that, this statement by no means permits a man to behave ill as he wish and exploit his woman if he is the perfect provider (again, provider meaning the tangible and intangible) .

No matter what we do or do not do, there will always be another woman taller, thinner, curvier, fairer, tanner, more boobsy, less boobsy, smarter, bimbo-er, cuter, sexier than ourselves. If a man marries or dates a woman for looks, then I guess whatever he has to offer in reciprocation is equally short lived and insubstantial.

2 Weeks Smoke-Free!

I am officially smoke-fee for 2 weeks since Easter Sunday! Yay!

There is much reason to rejoice. I have even succeeded in abstaining from cigarettes throughout an official trip to Singapore. These trips have always proved to be rather hectic and stressful and ciggies are the traditional bonding element where we get together in between to bitch about the stresses. These 5-min ciggie breaks offer a sustaining respite from the voices and faces that nags at the fibre of your sanity like nails on a chalkboard.

However I am not exceedingly proud of myself. My success is superficial. Without these "outlets of relief" I 'm wondering, where is my relief? I suspect that my strong determination not to smoke also oppresses my deep seated irritations and pressures that it's starting to affect me many different ways. You are about to watch the the materialization of the old age cliche of jumping from the saucepan into the fire.

I am standing on a precipice of a really high cliff. I can see nothing but I can jump and fall into nothingness. I can linger at the precipice and keep fighting the desire to jump down, knowing full well that there is a 'down'. Do I struggle with the existence of 'down' or succumb to it?

A storm is brewing and I'm wondering when will we see the first drizzle.....

Day 6: May I Steal a Puff ... please?

Imagine that you have not eaten proper meals for days; all you had were soggy vegetables or plain white bread. Then, you walk into a place where you smell KFC and watch people tearing into steaming hot, fresh and crispy drumsticks .... (yeap, the fried chicken with the incredibly invasive aroma). How does it feel? Go ahead, close your eyes and imagine.

That is how I feel.

That is the deprivation, despair and misery I experience every time they light up, inhale and exhale glorious looking (lethal but glorious) smoke .... *sigh*

You know the quote: The Spirit is Willing but the Flesh is Weak...? Well, I am blessed because I discovered that when the Spirit AND Flesh is weak, my friends are strong!

This is how it goes ... me is watching and drooling and J is happily puffing away...

Me: Can I have a stick, please?
J: No.
Me: Ok, then can I have one puff? Just one puff?
J: No!
Me: It looks so good, sigh.

Later with J and E ....

Me: Can I have one puff, please? Just one tiny puff?
J: No!
E: No! Don't ruin it!
Me: Sigh.

Later with hubby ....

Me: Can I have one stick? Or one puff?
Hubby : No baby.
Me: Pretty please ...
Hubby : No.
Me: Sigh.

Thank you people for being strong for me.

Am I proud of me for being smoke-free for 6 days now...? Yes and no. Yes as I wasn't sure if I could have done it. All glory to God. And no because I had really, really weak moments. Seriously.

Day Three: Depression & Fallen Sick

I feel and look like an addict on severe withdrawal.

Puffy, sleepy, pale.

Runny leaky nose.

Sigh.

Lack of sleep plus bouts of anxiety / panic attacks maketh one unfit for work. So today I dragged myself to the docs, mainly to get my hands on Xanax and Clarinase for my runny nose, alas, he only gave me 3, of each. I still remember these Xanax (a class of psychoactive drug considered minor tranquilizers) works like a dream. Makes you really stony and at ease. I had those during the toughest parts of my wedding planning. I guess they work like Prozac, anti-depressant, but milder. I wouldn't know really, I haven't tried Prozac and fortunately have yet to be diagnosed with clinical depression. But since Wikipedia claims Xanax to be a drug that is prescribed for Anxiety Disorders, so does that by causality means I have an Anxiety Disorder? How interesting. This just makes me more complicated than I already am.

You're probably thinking, man, might as well just pick up the damn ciggie and be rid of all these psycho mambo-jumbo. No. This psycho mambo-jumbo is temporal. Picking up and lighting a ciggie now after this level of success is defeat. I will let the depression and discomfort ride. Like a wave. It will eventually stop.

Anyway after seeing the doc I decided to make myself happy with something sweet and sinful ... see below pic .... heh heh heh ...



And my dear hubby is sweet enough to rush back from work just to take me out for a nice Japanese dinner. Muaks my hubby.

Time to pop a pill and go to sleep.

Day One & Ciggie-Deprived

I am fully charged up thanks to the amazing sermon at this morning's Easter service. PTL for that. Seriously. That should really set the pace for the rest of the day right?

Yes.

And no.

There are still insensitive souls out there who lacks the smarts to identify the subtle nuances of a fellow human being's feelings, emotions, not to mention lack of courtesy, manners and plain consideration.

Am I being touchy at people because I am ciggie-deprived ... or am I being touchy because people are being insensitive and inconsiderate because I am ciggie-deprived.

If your friend or family member is quitting ciggies, and OMG at least for the first day, would you at least do either of the following:

• (a) go to a non-smoking place for lunch (duh)
• (b) let the poor ciggie-deprived quitter choose the lunch venue of her choice
• (c) do not smoke in front of the ciggie-deprived person (double, triple duh duh duh)
• (d) spend time distracting or encouraging the person so she won't think about the subject matter
  
• (e) all the above?

Tsk tsk tsk. Go figure. Not everybody is born with smarts, or consideration. I am ciggie-deprived and suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms, and yet guess what I am to put up a SMILE and pretend that this is the easiest thing in the world to do.

But I just discovered that hot coffee (thanks mum) and pecan oat bars are worthy substitutes.

So how do I spend the rest of my Easter Sunday? I had a nice facial after lunch. I am now apparently (pretty much to my own ignorance) sitting in a dark and musty cyber cafe. Why am I here? I am under the impression that I have to rush here to pick up a certain someone but alas I am told to come in, wait here and log on lah while you are at it.

Wait a second there, did I say I want to log on? How presumptuous. Tsk tsk. Did you even check if I have plans, or if I have something to do? Or maybe I feel unwell or I feel sleepy? No. Whatever it is, it is in your presumptuous mind, not important at all.

What do I do? If it was just anybody on any given day, I would gladly give them a piece of my mind; I would stand up for myself and refuse to be taken for a ride... but as it is Easter and not just anybody ... I c.o.m.p.l.y. .... hence this melodramatic post. But seriously, people should NOT take each other for granted.

My mind churns with various options of sweet vindictive thoughts. Alas, the Lord says "vengeance is mine" and who am I to deprive God of such a a pleasure.

This is the right thing to do, say "I am not done yet, I need another 2 hours, 3 hours, 48 hours, please come at such and such a time" this would be very kind so that I can plan my activities and do my own stuff and I will come at an appointed time. It's seriously plain MANNERS and COURTESY lah .... seriously.

As it was not my intention to sit here after a nice shower on Easter Sunday, I resent being here, there a few things I can imagine I could be doing now:

• (a) catch up on work
• (b) surfing at home (in the COMFORT of home, sigh)
• (c) reading Sophie's World in bed
• (d) cleaning room
• (e) watching TV
• (f) playing with puppy

Instead I am here.

Why am I here?

Did I ask to be here?

I have no idea.

I am listening to guys playing mindless PC games and shouting expletives in various languages all over the place ... &%$#@&. All I can say is, I do not care how certain people wish to spend their precious weekends, Easter weekends, first day of quitting ciggies etc ... but as you can imagine that this is a rather significant weekend to me and I can really think of a thousand things I would rather be doing. And I am GLAD to even be ALONE.

Perhaps I am selfish, the world does not revolve around me and my ciggie-deprived state of being. Alas.

I suppose we have to make certain sacrifices in life. This is my road to walk.

After this I do deserve Patchi chocolates. I am a drama queen. I am on a caffeine high and ciggie-deprived and sitting here by coercion. So indulge me.

So everyday we need to carry our cross, die to ourselves, and ask the good Lord to help us "forgive those who offend us" ... and HELP me God indeed.

One More Day to Go ...

I just had my last office ciggie-break with my colleague this evening … we even took a picture to remind us of this! We do have so much fun during all our ciggie breaks… sigh. I had a mixed emotional moment of relief plus despair plus excitement …. My dear girl, who is a good friend and fellow smoker asked me “You are mentally prepared for this right?” How true, this is not something that you can say “Ok, that’s it, I’m not doing it anymore” I’m not only mentally prepared, I am spiritually, emotionally and physically prepared. Not hundred percent fool proof preparation but it’s my best shot, with help from above.

A few people have asked me this: “Why do you want to quit?” I have a lot of reasons and they are all
jumbled up in my mind. I need to organize my thoughts, here they are.

Why do I want to quit smoking?

1. Obedience to my God and King to not defile His temple.Quoting 1 Corinthians 6:19 - 20: Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, whom lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
   
2. I’m tired of being a poor testimony or constantly having to defend my right to do as I wish with my life. A defensiveness which is driven by guilt. That is no way to live.
   
3. I want to be rid of this habit, I am enslaved and addicted and that is not living a victorious life.
   
4. I feel terrible that friends and family have to put up with my smoking habit, and I am also damaging them as second hand smokers. Every person DOES have a right to breathe clean air. That's the way God intended it to be.
   
5. I’m tired of waking up with a wheeze and tightness in my chest. I want to be rid of my asthma and not having to be dependent on my inhaler so much. I am an asthmatic who smokes, go figure. So eventually I can save more money as I won’t be buying cigarettes and less inhalers too!
   
6. I want to conceive this year and that is good enough a reason! My baby is worth it!
   
7. Smoking no longer attach the cool imagery of being sexy, bohemian, hippie and rebellious. Hey, wake up, Woodstock is so over. Who I am now and where I am now, this is really bad for my rep. It’s totally uncool and downright repulsive and shows that I am weak minded, undisciplined, living a double life and I cannot be taken seriously. I can’t even bring myself to serve in church now. Gosh, what will the children and teens think if they catch me smoking outside?
   
8. A new identity! An identity in Christ, a child of God! Look, I know God loves me, no more, no less whether I am a smoker or not. This is by no means any judgement on any Christian who smokes. You can smoke and be Christian and love God in your own way. I am just convicted to take this to another level, this is a very individual thing. I repeat, there is no judgment here.
   
9. I need to get my singing voice back. I lost my singing voice ever since I started smoking. That is so depressing.
   
10. I will have better skin, my beautician will be thrilled to hear this.
    
11. I need to be able to run for at least 30 mins without having to stop to puff my inhaler or catch my breath. I can work out more and have better stamina. Bodypump class, here I come!
12. I need to get rid of this addiction to fund my other addictions, as it is I have addictions aplenty: coffee, shopping, books, shoes ...
13. I want to look back and say: I quit, I did it with Jesus’ help and give all glory back to God!
14. I need to quit now so then I can encourage my husband to do the same

My practical action plans:

1. I told my colleagues about my quit date and my decision and my reasons, so they will not be inviting me to smoke breaks and we will go to smoke-free places for lunches.
   
2. I will avoid all clubs, mamaks, clubs and places where everyone is smoking, until I am stronger and have gotten over all the cravings and addictions, got to avoid tempting situations. What makes it worse? ALL my friends smokes (I mean like 8 out of 10 at least and that’s mighty plenty!)
   
3. I will get a huge store of healthy snacks this weekend to munch on when I have the urge to put something into my mouth. I’ll buy Patchi chocolates if I have to.
   
4. I have the nicotine gum ready to chew on. This might prove useful when I am caught in a company of smokers and I can’t tell them to not smoke. This reminds me, coming trip ton Singapore with my MD might be a challenge …. Groan.
   
5. When I am pissed and angry at work and need a release, I will …. chew gum, eat chocolates, blog, sing, leave early and go to the gym, or leave early and go shopping!
   
6. I told cell leaders and trustworthy Christian friends so the can pray for me this few days. This is not merely a flesh battle, and I need prayer warriors to back me up.
   
7. I will reward myself; for the 50 bux or so I save each week, I will buy something really nice for myself, hmm … let’ see, I will start with Patchis, followed by really expensive gourmet coffee and clothes, lots of clothes. And a good book. No, make it a couple of good books.
   
8. I will go and hang out at all the non-smoking cafes and restaurant which I used to avoid; I’ll start with Banquet at Bangsar Village.

The Lord is fully aware of what I am going through ...

• So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. John 8:36 NLT
• Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Matthew 26:41 NLT
• May He grant you your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers. Psalm 20:4 – 5 NLT
• Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. Psalm 55: 22 NLT

I know I have the whole world backing me up on this; good friends, colleagues, church friends and leaders. Smokers and non-smokers alike want to see me succeed. I am deeply encouraged. It helps to have friends who cares and want to back you up.

I did entertain thoughts of "What if I fail? Stumble and fall?" All my lofty thoughts and plans ... but I cannot. I must press on and win this. And even if I do stumble, I believe in second chances.

So … one more day before I take on a new identity …

My Practical Back Up Plan

Look, these are my back-up snack stash for this coming Monday ... that would be my first smoke-free week in after 5 years or so. I have decided to stock up on snacks so I can stuff my face until the cravings rides off. Ok, yeah I know ... I will watch the bingeing ... the last thing I need after a smoking problem is a sugar / obesity problem!

It's off to Cold Storage this Sunday to stock up on fruits ... I just discovered last night that a decent tray of grapes (can't remember how many gms) cost RM8.28 ... that's the price of a pack of ciggies. *heh*

TAK NAK! It's time to quit!

In order for Wickedly Perfect to fully transform into Shortcake; some major changes need to take place.... the biggest battle I will face is coming up soon: QUIT SMOKING!

(I can almost hear my cell leaders cheering with hoots in the background :P)

I have been smoking since I was 25; let's not even go to why I even started in the first place... I rededicated myself to a higher divine cause recently and it's time to take things to another level....

The set QUIT date: 23rd March, Sunday

I chose Easter Sunday to signify a new beginning. A new me. Redeemed and whole again. Yay!

I really need support here ok... so ex-smokers and smokers are welcome to HELP and offer ENCOURAGEMENT. I seriously won't be needing the whole "How can you smoke when you claim to be a Christian!" Please. The Christian God does not live in a box. And no one is perfect. "Holier-than-thous" can take a hike. Seriously? Seriously. (See, I told u there would be cliches!)

Anyway, I am making a rather public declaration here.... to ensure I will malu giler giler if I fall back. So I can't fall back now. This has got to work! So help me God!

More smoking cessation journal coming up :P