Sunday, April 06, 2008

The brewing of a storm ... and the triggers

I am about to embark on something big. Big big big. *hush* I can't tell you what yet .... it's a secret.

My success will be my redeeming grace. I will once and for all put an end to all the "murmurings" and "naggings" and "jeers" and "mocking" of various individuals who supposedly have my interest at heart. How can anyone know what is "good for me" and what is "bad for me" and that I should "snap out of it" when they have neither been inside my head nor walked in my shoes, nor feel what I feel nor see what I see. Well, I tell myself, if I can quit ciggies, I can most certainly do this.

Alot of things can happen to cause a downturn or downfall in one's life .... examples below:

  • when all the things you avoid are starting to happen
  • when all your fears are becoming a reality
  • when horrors sneak up on you and you did not see it coming
  • when you awake from a state of denial in shock and devastation
  • when all the wrong people succeed in saying all the wrong things
  • when all the right people fail to say all the right things
  • when everyone cannot understand, or refuse to understand or prefer to stay in denial
  • when you fail to get exactly what you need to prevent this; eg like water to plants.
  • when your state of depression frightens them that they avoid you
  • when you defenses are so low you can't see the base anymore
  • when all your walls are down
  • when you failed to failed to guard your heart and it's all too late
  • when everyone expect you to become something that you cannot be
  • when everyone wants you to be strong
  • when you feel guilty that you are weak and you let them down
  • when you are tired of being strong and all-together
  • when everyone thinks they know better
  • when what you want for yourself is wrong and bad
  • when you are forbidden to speak your mind
  • when every expression is a bloody naggy complain
  • when expressing your emotions and feelings are dramatic and unnecessary
  • when rebellion is no longer an option as I am no longer a teenager
  • when I have to smile and pretend all is ok to maintain dignity at work
  • when I have to be calm and make believe I am doing good for the sake of my testimony

When you get a few of such things happening, it's bad enough to drive you a little crazy, but when they all happen all together simultaneously ... then maybe it's time to review life as a whole.

Anyway it's not the first time time I go through such a situation. As usual, I have managed to ride through it like a wave and I will most likely survive it and come out of it alive. I have often been accused of being dramatic and intense all that jazz. Yadda yadda yadda. What do I have to do to make people see I have a bigger problem than my drama? Actually, heck, why bother, no one of the average, simplistic, primitive mind can ever understand anyway.

Unfortunately, I do not have ciggies to fall back on anymore *sigh* but thankfully there is still Xanax.

Will describe more about my big big big plans soon .... this is only the one of many entries to come to psyche myself up. So buckle up and get ready for a heady ride.

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