I like playing dress-up for big do's for e.g. attending weddings and stuff like that but there's always a nagging worry that eats me up like an ugly goblin.... I'm totally ashamed of myself for saying this and for giving two-hoots even, but I always worry that some irritating idiotic, insensitive, inconsequential distant relative will say something like "Wah you put on weight ya!" then add on with a "Er, but so much better like this" like as though the afterthought is supposed to ... what ... Soften the blow? Cover line for the blurt-out? Justifying the statement? What's worst? "Are you pregnant?" or the worst of the worst "How many months along are you already?" .... when you are NOT pregnant. The evil in me will surely wish whoever says this die a thousand diferent painful deaths. Thank God it hasnt happened yet.
I actually don't care what the hags and goons think of me but it's almost like a serious revelation as they have not seen you in say a whole year or so and there's gotta be some serious truth in it. And that's what spooks me. The truth.
I need to either do something or be a hermit forevermore.
I do wish sometimes I can be those strong confident super duper self assured types when it comes to self-body-image but at thirty one I'm still not getting there I think. It's time to submit to my paranoia beacause no matter how I try to psycho myself that I should not bother and it's substance over silhoutte ... yaddaa yaddaa .... the truth is I do. Sadly. Surrender to being the weak, unliberated woman. Prisoner of my own paranoias. It really gets to me, I can't help it.
I dem super tak larat.
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