Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Nostalgic Rambling

I'm actually not quite human, just a bundle of nerves arranged nicely to look like a woman. Sometimes I get so emotional and consumed by my moods it's unbelievable.

What I'm about to say here takes alot of courage as my pride and ego would usually never allow me to admit regrets, I've always looked like I've got it all together, sigh; time to admit defeat.

Truth is, ever since I'm here at the new place since February, I'm yearning for the days that were. Far away in a distant time and place with familiar faces and familiar sounds, sight and smells. A place I could always be myself, a place were everyone accepted my idiosyncrasies. A place that was not perfect, oh far from perfect, but in retrospect, familiarity trumps perfection.

Why the nostalgia?
  • I miss the familiar shaded parking spot that's always there for me any time of the day. I don't have to walk forever to reach it, I don't have to worry about rain or muggers or being run down by blind motorists while getting to my car. And if someone knock into my car, I'll always know who!
  • I miss the cafe cum canteen downstairs with my favorite smoking spot and even the waitress that gets the orders wrong. Never mind the unimaginative mediocre menu and inconsistent food standards, it doesn't stop me yearning the warm breeze that accompanies the lunch break.
  • I miss the loo, yeah, even the loo, the spacious clean loos!
  • I miss the faces I don't like to see on a Monday morning. I miss how I have to force myself to smile at some of the cows but they are familiar cows and it beats getting to adjust to new cows.
  • I miss my huge cubicle with the 4 feet high partitions.
  • I miss the girls, whom are all gone, or going going gone anyway. I miss the drama at the car park, I miss the sneaking off for early lunches, I miss the crazy email threads, I miss the way we sneak downstairs to share a smoke, share a juicy story or just a joke.
  • I miss being in charge of things, I miss making all the decisions, I miss being the go-to person, I miss everything these bare hands had built from nothing. I miss the passion and excitement and even the crazy challenges that I overcame with my dream team (well that was already dwindling anyway which ultimately led to this predicament!)
  • I miss the long morning drive there, even the traffic doesn't bother me.
  • I miss owning that sense of individuality, independence, belonging and power.

Of course there a thousand things I do not miss (maybe I should do a separate post on that for the sake of perspective). If given a miracle of a chance I would not wish to be there now. I don't mind a nostalgic visit to the past just to relive some of the precious crazy moments with some precious people. I guess I was always the one who wanted more, I believed I could be so much more, but was I way out of my head or should I have been contented with my portion and fill?

Why am I nostalgic? I guess because I'm a sentimental wreck, I guess I'm overruled by pregger hormones, I guess I don't entirely enjoy being here, I guess I'm not letting go, I guess I have to come to terms with this and face my decisions. What's done cannot be undone.

Alas, all this emotional turmoil is turning me into someone I barely recognize. I don't feel so alive anymore. But was I truly even alive back then to begin with? Or was it a retrospective illusion? The grass always appear greener through the lenses of time, we tend to forget there were weeds.

I keep telling myself I did the right thing; it was time to go, it was time for a change, God opened the door and the paths were laid out so easily for me to move. So were the doors opened by God above or was I so desperate for change that I convinced myself all opened doors are from God. Sometimes after having too many closed doors, you grab unto the one opening you can glimpse, in retrospect was it even a door or just a man hole?

Part of me want to believe this open door led me not to my destiny but to a transition, kind of like a world between worlds in Narnia. I guess I have to do my time here and look out for the next open door that will lead me to my destiny.

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