Friday, September 17, 2010

Stupid Questions & Remarks

Throughout my pregnancy and after, I've encountered alot of ridiculous questions and remarks. In fact I've got one post on some of the weird things people say when they discovered I was pregnant here. 

Well, after you give birth it doesn't get easier, firstly you are bombarded with endless visitors ranging from families, relatives, friends and colleagues who then decided to bring their spouses, cell members, children, golf buddies etc to witness your "just gave birth look like hell no makeup bad hair face" and brand new baby who is probably shocked to be suddenly outside the comfort of the womb and have to deal with many a staring face. Plus your nether regions are on fire with pain that is unspeakable as the epidural and painkillers slowly wear off and you are dying for a shower, bed pan, morphine, whatever, plus your emotions are highly unstable and you are physically and mentally TIRED beyond words, yet you have to smile at an endless stream of visitors and entertain questions to infinity. or all you wish to do is hold your newborn child in your arms and enjoy the moment but NOOoooooooo ..... *sheeessshh*

Well, most people are extremely thoughtful and lovely and they just want to congratulate us, share our joy and see the new baby. But some of these visitors come bearing remarks that can actually be quite unkind, offensive and insensitive, or just plain annoying. I decided to list some that I've personally encountered lately here so that (a) we don't repeat it and risk irritating the sh*t out of others AND (b) don't come and annoy me with these questions and remarks as well.

Here are some I encountered (for real, not making it up):
  1. Are you in alot of pain? What do you think??? This came from a young girl who has yet to birth a  child so I will forgive this remark LOL!
  2. You look tired. *duh*
  3. Why is your labor so long? Followed by a detailed victorious story of how their labor was so wonderfully short, painless and effortless. OMG what is there to compare? It this really necessary?
  4. How come your baby is so SMALL??? Followed by serious bragging of how their baby was 4 freaking kg and their success story at bringing forth a gigantic fetus through an almost instant vaginal birth. Oh God seriously? Are we bragging about the weight of the baby???
  5. How come you need to use a vacuum when your baby is only 2.83kg? I just wish I can say "get lost lady, get outta my face" and I wonder why I'm even having this conversation with you.
  6. During my pregnancy I didn't put on THAT much weight as my baby was good at absorbing the nutrients. At this point I'm just wondering what she's implying; that I'm too fat yet my baby is small and somehow my baby did not absorb the nutrients? Meaning what? I'm a bad mother stealing all the good stuff from my own fetus? Gosh lady, you need some serious lessons in tact, and this coming from a so-called matured woman in her forties.
  7. Epidural is not good, you will get backache in years to come. Seriously, think about it, we all know that, don't you think anyone in their right sound mind won't want to avoid this if possible, obviously it was not like an easy choice to make. And unless you can say you knew the pain I went through, you have no right to judge the labor decisions I made.
  8. Why didn't you just opt for Cesarean? This came from some clueless guy who probably think all women should go c-section so that the vaginal regions are unmarked and unscathed by childbirth. This is due to pure ignorance, a sad lack of education. Think about it, nature and God intended for a vaginal birth. A c-section, in most cases, is necessary due to medical complications and emergencies. Of course lately alot of women are opting for elective c-sections for vanity / convenience sake (and I say this without any judgement whatsoever, each to her own), so I guess we can't blame these guys for thinking it's the norm.
Well, maybe a new mother is super emo, sensitive and highly defensive during the first few days and weeks, and I think she has every right to be, given that her body, mind and soul is going through quite a lot after bringing forth a new baby into the world, and everyone is different in every way. I don't see what's there to loose by exercising some consideration, kindness and tact. I mean, after all you came to visit me and my baby, so why is it suddenly all about YOU and YOUR big fat baby and YOUR very smooth easy labor and birth? I'm not interested. I'm tired, in pain, and drugged out, the last thing I need is to hear your bragging-baby-stories. And please stop making comments about my baby being small or whatever negative nonsense. My ob-gyn confirms the baby is a good size for me and he is healthy, whole and just perfect in every way.

Ultimately the main objective is that the baby came safe and sound and perfectly formed, and that the mother is also well and alive. I know my true friends are happy for us and really, that's all that matters. At moments like this what we need are people who are kind and supportive and respect our decisions. We have no room in our lives for those who are here to pass judgement and unkind nonconstructive remarks.


Anonymous said...

Hi there,
i am of yr silent reader and this is the first time i am leaving my comment:
I know what you mean. On the 4th day i was being discharged after giving birth to my lil girl, my SIl came to visit me at home. First thing she said was "Oh God..u still fat".
Hello..i put on 15 kilos when i was pregnant and after giving birth i only lost 7 kgs..Obviously ia m still phat!! And the good thing is, she is expecting now and even on her 2nd trimester she already put on 15 kilos! muahahhahaa....
So just ignore them. Btw, yr baby is soooo cute!


Shortcake said...

Thank so much Ally. It's so good to know I'm not alone in this! In fact, earlier this week, an aunt of mine said "hmm your belly is still quite big", it's only been 2 weeks since the delivery. I guess it's something we all have to deal with, you're right, just ignore them :)